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How many times have I said I won't ignore my blog and 'I'll get back into it' pfft. Well I even made a new YouTube video yet I haven't really shared it because I'm just so anxious about the comments and lack of views. That was meant to be my start to getting back into everything, but I'm not gonna fool myself. I haven't been myself and after the past few weeks I definitely haven't felt any better. Everything's too much. From being so lonely, anxiety and feel crap about myself. Things had to get worse, just to top 2016 off.

A couple of weeks ago I was feeling so content; with losing weight, having a sort of decent social life, lovely friends and family, I came home from work to have my whole world turned upside down.
My Nana had taken a turn for the worse. If you've read my blog for sometime you will have read my Eileen Rose post all about her and becoming a Dementia friend and how much of an inspiration she is to me.
We kept by her side for as much and as often as we could, watching over her as she deteriorated and literally fought the battle until her last moments.

My beautiful Eileen Rose became my angel, she's up above me now watching over all of us at peace and finally happy again with my Grandad and her best friend.

There's no other way to put it. I don't like talking about death and dying because, well honestly I don't really think its quite sunk in just yet. I just hate that I'll never be able to hold her hand and stroke her beautiful hair again. Up until her very last day she had the most softest skin and hair that I absolutely envy!

She's not only physically beautiful, she's beautiful on the inside and always had a heart of gold.

I can't quite remember if I mentioned about her life in my previous post but its worth a reminder to let people know about how much of a strong, independent, brave lady she always was.

So when my mum was born in 1968, sadly my grandad Eric (mum's dad) was taken very poorly with cancer and after losing his leg he died when my mum and her twin brother was only 6 months old. Two tiny little babies, as well as 9 other children to bring up and a paying job; my Nana got on with life and bought up the 11 children on her own up until she met my grandad Alan when my mum was 5 years old.
Nana worked hard in a hospital up until her retirement and kept up a keen social life at the same time visiting various European countries and being part of the Wives group along with her closest friends.

It wasn't until around 8 years ago when my Nana was diagnosed with dementia, she sadly had to move from her little bungalow into a care home to keep her safe mostly and look after her. After a while, as it does happen she began to deteriorate and was moved into a different home for nursing care just before her 80th birthday. We celebrated with her and the other care home staff who kindly baked her a cake, though she couldn't eat it.

In recent years Nana has lost the ability to talk, walk and do basic everyday things. Which most people don't realize happen with Alzheimer's and dementia. We lost her to the terrible disease once and this week we lost her again, for the last time.

I'm not going to ramble too much about the ins and outs of how poorly she was but I definitely think people need a better knowledge of what utter crap people are put through when they have dementia. No human being should ever have to lose their dignity in anyway shape or form. Especially when you admire them so much. Right up until when Nana was poorly I used to comb her hair, paint her nails occasionally and wipe and clean her face. Everyone needs a little pamper sometimes and she deserved it all.

That saying of 'you don't realise what you had until its gone' is so true. Though I've always known how much of a strong lady my Eileen is, ever since hearing all different stories from her and about her. My nana has 11 children, grandchildren and around 15 great grandchildren all looking up at her.

My heart has been broken into a million pieces and to this minute I still can't sleep in the dark because of how distraught I've become, though somehow I feel like all this has made me stronger and I hope I can help anyone I know or anyone at all if they know a loved one going through the same thing. It helps to know just a little and to show that you care. There's nothing worse than going through things alone.

The next week or so is going to be really tough, especially with it being Christmas time. I know I've said it before but I am 100% this time when I say the blog will be back in the new year. Nana will want me to keep doing what I enjoy.

Big loves to the rest of my family at the time and thank you to everyone for their thoughts and wishes.

Katie xxx